Ridding ourselves of “soft addictions” is something Celeste and I have tried to do together even before we were married. While being Vegan isn’t part of that decision, eliminating caffeine, television, and even watching how much we’re online all certainly are. This doesn’t mean we still don’t have things we would like to overcome.
I realized, even before reading this article, that staying up late flipping through channels at my in-law’s house was something I needed to work on. Just like the article says, I would always think I would “feel better” if I could just find one perfect program to watch… one more episode of CSI, or a History Channel biopic. Of course Celeste would stay up with me, so we would both be so tired by the time we finally went to bed.
This is something I’ve done much better at lately… and because of it I feel much more “satisfied” when I do get to enjoy at television program.
So, we’re still trying too… but I would like to encourage everyone to examine their lives and weed out, or at least trim back, these “soft addictions” when you find them. We always simply thought of it as “simplifying” our lives… which is a very scriptural idea for sure.
Soft Addictions
You can get hooked in so many ways
Published March 18, 2007
When Rich and Gertrude Lyons first admitted they were powerless, television was the first thing to go. Then they weaned themselves from mail-order catalogs, electronic gadgets and sugar.
Today, the Chicago couple are still grappling with their “soft addictions,” or ordinary behavior that, if overdone, can wreak havoc on your life. Unlike hard addictions, which are usually related to a chemical substance, you don’t die from soft addictions.
“But you don’t really live, either,” said self-help guru Judith Wright, who labeled the phenomenon more than a decade ago.
People have always had ways to zone out, but experts such as Wright say soft or mild behavioral addictions are escalating, partly because there are so many new things to get addicted to, and many have the disposable income to do it. But identifying and treating a soft addiction are difficult. Because whether it’s watching the NCAA tournament, checking e-mail, editing Wikipedia entries or walking into Starbucks, the activities are seemingly harmless behaviors. The problem is that when even healthy habits such as exercise are used too often or for the wrong reasons, they sap our time, money and energy and prevent us from living the life we want, according to Wright, founder of the Chicago-based Wright Institute, a personal development and training center and author of “The Soft Addiction Solution” (Jeremy P. Taracher/Penguin, $16.95).
Rich Lyons, 41, for example, habitually zoned out in front of the television at night, staying up far later than intended and waking up crabby the next day. That resulted in another soft addiction, he said, to a grumpy mood. His wife, Gertrude, 41, meanwhile, found she had a soft addiction to shopping for adorable but overpriced baby clothes that, ultimately, her children didn’t want to wear. She also had a bad habit of paging through mail-order catalogs when she had better things to do.
“It wasn’t an overspending issue as much as it was buying stuff you knew you didn’t need,” Gertrude said. “It was like buying something felt like it would make me feel better.”
The affliction strikes men and women of all ages and races. A poll conducted for the Wright Institute, found that 91 percent of us have a soft addiction that keeps us from feeling satisfied. “And the other 9 percent of people are in denial,” Wright said.
Procrastination, watching too much television and overworking are the top three. But a new study shows college undergraduates might be addicted to tanning under UV lights. The Internet, meanwhile, is being blamed for a host compulsive behaviors.
Looking for sympathy
In one recent high profile case, James Pacenza of New York, who was fired for visiting an adult chat room at work, is suing IBM for wrongful termination. Pacenza claims he has an addiction, a disorder that deserves treatment and sympathy rather than dismissal.
Technology can cause addictive behavior “partly because each potential response required for a cell phone message or an e-mail doesn’t always seem so large, so why not mow some of them down now?” said Jeff Davidson, author of “Breathing Space: Living & Working at a Comfortable Pace in a Sped-Up Society” (BookSurge, $14.95). “The megalomaniac payoff of believing we can stay on top of it all can, intermittently, feel quite satisfying.”
Though there is still controversy over whether compulsive Internet use and video-game playing merit a medical diagnosis, treatment centers have opened up around the world, including Korea, China and the Netherlands. The Priory Clinic in London is treating “texting addicts,” or those who might spend up to seven hours a day writing and receiving text messages on their cell phones.
One of eight Americans exhibited at least one possible sign of problematic Internet use, a Stanford study showed. Psychological symptoms include an inability to stop using it, craving more time online, neglect of family and friends and feeling depressed and irritable when not at the computer. Physical signs can be carpal tunnel syndrome, sleep deprivation, backaches, eye strain and increased agitation.
“Job loss, financial loss and marital loss can all be associated with the disorder,” said Kimberly Young, founder of the Center for Internet Addiction Recovery, who has seen everything from young children who withdrew from life for online gaming to couples who divorced because of online affairs.
Question of control
But others say spending large amounts of time behind the computer doesn’t necessarily constitute an addiction. “It’s more of a process of control and losing control,” said psychologist Chris Stout, an executive director at the Timberline Knolls, a Chicago-based women’s residential treatment center. “It’s easy to confuse an addiction with a compulsive behavior. An addiction involves deception, denial and dishonesty. A compulsive behavior is more apparent such as repetitive behaviors and is a way to cope with anxiety.”
Unlike a bad habit, a soft addiction also has an identifiable cost of money, time, energy or intimacy associated with it, according to Wright. Feeling numb, high, buzzed or in a trance when you’re doing an activity could mean you have a problem.
“If you can’t remember what you did, ate, saw or bought, that’s a sign,” she said. “But if you’re doing the activity and feel more alive and vital, and you’re learning, growing, clear, grounded and present, that’s a passion. We shouldn’t confuse the two.”
The first step to beating a soft addiction requires making a commitment to higher quality of life, said Wright, whose next “One Decision” weekend seminar begins April 13. Then you have to recognize the deeper need or hunger under the soft addiction. “Make the distinction between what you want and what you hunger for,” Wright said. “You might want a new designer dress, but you’re really hungry to feel good about yourself.”
Finally, use what Wright calls the “Math of More.” Instead of depriving yourself, add things to your life to crowd out the behavior you want to change.
Rob Johnson, 45, of Oak Park found he was became too emotionally invested when he watched televised sporting events. But rather than cut sports out of his life altogether, he added more time with his wife and three sons and began coaching youth hockey teams, something he finds much more rewarding. Suddenly, he didn’t have time to watch 15 hours of televised hockey a week.
“It took making a deeper inquiry into why I was watching so much,” he said.
Rich Lyons, president of Lyons Consulting Group, realized that his trouble with electronic gadgets stemmed from his need to feel connected. But when he was lost in the world of technology, he didn’t have any contact with his family.
The electronic connection, he realized, “is not nearly as nourishing as connecting with my wife and kids,” he said. “If I can understand the underlying need, the computer won’t do it. I need connection with human beings.”
The bad news is that soft addictions never really go away. At one point, The Lyons family had ousted sugar, but it has crept back into their lives. Even 10-year-old Morgan Lyons is working with her parents to eliminate the addictive substance.
“You get rid of one and a new one creeps in,” Gertrude Lyons sighed. “The best you can do is lessen them and put in systems to help cope.”
